When Not Knowing Affects Self-Esteem
There’s something many of us do without realising: we judge ourselves not by what we know, but by what we don’t know.
I’ve often noticed how easy it is for people to feel small when they’re in a space where something feels unfamiliar or new. We might look around and assume everyone else knows more than we do. And in that moment, something inside us tightens.
Instead of feeling curious, we feel shame. Instead of leaning in, we want to pull away.
I remember watching someone once feel deeply uncomfortable just because they didn’t know a particular language others seemed to know. There was no judgment from others—but the person still felt “less than.” And I realised—I’ve done that too.
Many times in my life, I found myself shrinking in situations where something new was introduced. It wasn’t that I lacked something I should have known—it was simply new to me. And yet, I felt ashamed. I would question my worth, detach from the situation, or distance myself from people—not because they made me feel inferior, but because of the story I told myself:
“Everyone else knows. I don’t. I don’t belong here.”
Over time, I’ve come to see how common this experience is. And how misunderstood.
Not knowing isn’t the problem.
The problem is the meaning we attach to it.
We start to believe the gap between what we know and don’t know defines us. And that belief quietly erodes our self-esteem.
The Body Remembers, Too
What many don’t realize is that low self-esteem doesn’t just affect the mind—it’s also felt in the body.
When we repeatedly feel “less than,” the nervous system responds as if we’re under threat. We might experience:
- Shallow breathing
- Tightness in the chest or throat
- A sunken posture or avoiding eye contact
- Tension in the jaw, shoulders, or stomach
- Fatigue, or feeling frozen in social situations
Over time, these responses can become chronic—our body stays on alert even in safe spaces. We might find ourselves exhausted after social interactions, or overly self-conscious when trying something new.
The body starts to believe the story: “I am not enough.”
But just as the body can internalise shame, it can also relearn safety—through self-compassion, therapeutic reflection, and gentle re-engagement with learning environments.
We forget that learning is natural, that we all begin as beginners, and that not knowing is not a flaw—it’s the first step toward understanding.
What if we allowed ourselves to be learners, not performers?
What if we said, “I don’t know this yet, and that’s okay”?
Self-esteem doesn’t grow from knowing everything.
It grows from being gentle with ourselves in the moments we don’t.
It grows when we replace shame with curiosity, comparison with compassion, and detachment with presence.
You are not the gap. You are the bridge.
Seeds for Reflection :
Have you ever felt “not enough” just because you didn’t know something?
What would change if you gave yourself permission to be a beginner?
✨ If you’re ready to explore this journey of self-understanding and compassion, consider joining the Glitz Arogya Mind-Body Program for holistic support.
Join Glitz Arogya and begin a journey of authentic living — through the Art of Witnessing.
About the Author :
Amulya Parmesh, MSc Psychology (BPS), YCB-certified Yoga Teacher & Evaluator, and Holistic Therapist (CI, PRT), is the founder of the Glitz Arogya Mind-Body Program. She brings a unique blend of scientific understanding and yogic wisdom to her practice. Glitz Arogya is dedicated to empowering individuals to achieve holistic well-being through integrated mind-body therapies.
