The Shadow Move: Why We Weaponize Others’ Wounds
Have you ever found yourself in the middle of an argument—maybe with a loved one or a colleague—and suddenly, almost instinctively, you bring up something deeply personal about them? Something they once shared with trust… and you use it to make your point or win the moment?
In the therapeutic space, on the yoga mat, and even in the quiet solitude of self-reflection, one truth echoes again and again: we all carry wounds. Yet, when our ego feels cornered—especially during conflict—we often don’t reach for understanding. We reach for the shadow. We pick at the other person’s weakness, often one they once revealed to us in trust, and we throw it like a stone.
Why do we do this?
From a neuroscience point of view, the answer lies in how our brain reacts to perceived threat. When someone challenges our ideas or identity, and we feel we’re “losing,” the amygdala—the brain’s emotional alarm system—goes off. This isn’t just an argument anymore. The body experiences it as a threat to survival. In that state, empathy dims. The brain scrambles for control, and often pulls up the most painful memory or detail it can use to push the other away.
In my work as a therapist and guide, I see this pattern not as cruelty, but as emotional survival. Most of us don’t mean to hurt. But when we feel unheard, unseen, or powerless, we react by trying to regain some sense of strength—even if it comes at the cost of someone else’s dignity.
Through the lens of Compassionate Inquiry, the question becomes: What pain am I protecting when I lash out? Often, when we weaponize another’s vulnerability, it’s our own insecurity or unhealed pain surfacing. Perhaps we fear being insignificant. Or maybe their strength highlights something we haven’t accepted in ourselves. But the truth remains: harming others never heals us.
From the view of Pain Reprocessing Therapy, this cycle becomes even clearer. Emotional pain, especially when triggered during conflict, lights up the brain much like physical pain. That insult you delivered or received? Your nervous system may interpret it as injury—keeping your body in a loop of stress, hurt, and reactivity.
And this is where yoga offers us refuge.
The yogic principles of Ahimsa (non-violence) and Swadhyaya (self-inquiry) invite us to pause in these moments. To breathe. To choose connection over conquest. Yoga teaches that strength isn’t about overpowering others, but softening our own ego. It asks us: Can you stay present with discomfort, without needing to win?
Because that’s where healing begins. Not in being right. Not in protecting pride. But in witnessing ourselves gently and responding with awareness.
So the next time you feel that pull—to jab, to remind someone of their flaw, to get the last word—pause. Place a hand on your heart. Feel the tightness behind the urge. That moment of witnessing may be your truest yoga yet.
Join Glitz Arogya and begin a journey of authentic living — through the Art of Witnessing.
About the Author :
Amulya Parmesh, MSc Psychology (BPS), YCB-certified Yoga Teacher & Evaluator, and Holistic Therapist (CI, PRT, CBT), is the founder of the Glitz Arogya Mind-Body Program. She brings a unique blend of scientific understanding and yogic wisdom to her practice. Glitz Arogya is dedicated to empowering individuals to achieve holistic well-being through integrated mind-body therapies.
